


Bad Days

by apple_martini21 (smalls020)



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Depression, Drabble, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, Kageyama is trying his best, M/M, haikyuu drabble
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-30
Updated: 2020-12-30
Packaged: 2021-03-10 20:29:04
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,250
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28423224
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/smalls020/pseuds/apple_martini21
Summary: Bad days are bad days. And there was nothing that anyone could do about it. But when there is no end in sight from a bad day, or a bad week, or a bad month…Basically Hinata has depression and it's been a bad day at the end of a bad week for him and people are starting to worry
Relationships: Hinata Shouyou/Kageyama Tobio
Comments: 4
Kudos: 90





	Bad Days

It has been days since Hinata had moved from his bed. At least that’s what it felt like. He was tired and everything around him felt sluggish. He knew he smelled, he hadn't showered in days. He knew he was hungry, he hadn't eaten anything, aside from the occasional cracker, in days. He knew he had work to do. Homework from missed school piled on his desk. But he couldn’t bring himself to do anything. Everything took too much effort. He barely acknowledged when his mother entered the room, just lifting his head slightly from underneath the mountain of pillows. He knew why she was here, he couldn’t miss another day of school, or another practice for that matter, but even volleyball held no interest for the ginger.

His mind wandered through class, living a dull, lifeless dream. It was barely an hour into school, and he’d already had enough. He was usually so good at faking it, but today was a bad day, at the end of a bad week. His smiles never reached his hollow eyes, and he barely spoke during class breaks. 

You’re pitiful and this is embarrassing. At least no one cares enough about me to worry, he mentally shrugged, Hopefully they’ll just realize it’s an off-day and not mention it. 

“What’s with you?” Kageyama’s voice pulled him from deep within his own mind.

“Huh?” Eloquent.

“What’s up with you?” He repeated, “You’ve missed four days of school, and now you're being all weird,” he waved his hands to gesture to Hinata’s small body for emphasis.

“Oh, uhm, I was sick,” yeah, his internal monologue expanded, my brain wants to kill me from the inside out. 

Kageyama squinted at him unbelieving, “You don’t seem sick?” He looked into his eyes, searching for the spark that gave him butterflies, only to find them dimly lit. 

Hinata’s mood turned on a dime, “Well, what would you know?” he snapped. The sudden shift from lifeless to intense irritation shocked the setter. He’d never seen Hinata angry. And he actually looked angry. But just as the flame was lit, it died before his eyes, and Hinata went back to being as lifeless as before. 

Hinata knew he’d let it get the better of him. The irritability was always the hardest to control. But every little thing set him off recently. That should've been his first tell-tale sign it was getting bad again.

He felt his eyes start to water, quickly turning away from his friend, “Sorry,” he mumbled to the taken-aback Kageyama, before slipping away to a quiet stairwell for his lunch. 

Kageyama stood there, speechless for a few moments before taking off behind him, following him into the stairwell, curious as to what was happening. Curious, confused, and most of all, concerned. He looked for Hinata during lunch, only to finally find him sitting under the stairs in a deserted part of campus, his untouched bento box in front of him. 

“You’re not eating?”

“Not hungry,” Hinata muttered, not even looking up from the ground. 

“Seriously, what is going on with you,” Kageyama sat next to him.

Hinata just sighed and leaned back against the wall, tucking his knees up to his chest, “I’m just tired,” and Kageyama couldn’t deny the truth that rang out from those words. He studied his friend. Hinata’s eyes were closed, as if sleeping, but his jaw and shoulders were too tense to be asleep. Dark circles were painted under his eyes and his cheeks were pale and hollow. Kageyama looked away, mystified. They spent the rest of lunch in silence, Kageyama sneaking worried glances at Hinata; Hinata, trying to ignore the rising irritation from his friend sitting next to him behind closed eyes. When the bell rang for classes, Kageyama studied him again, he struggled to stand, as if the weight of the world rested on his shoulders, dragging him down. This was not the Hinata he was used to. This was not his Hinata. 

Hinata all but skipped practice, and halfway through Daichi made him sit out. Just picking up the ball took more energy than Hinata had in his bones. 

By the time he got home again, he collapsed onto his bed, determined to move as little as possible until school the next day. He didn’t know how long he had stayed like that, when his mom knocked on his door, “Shou-chan, someone from school is here to see you,”

Hinata just groaned in response. His mom would know what that meant. His mom would understand he physically couldn’t put the effort into holding a conversation right now. His mom would know the world was against him at that very moment, that a war of self-torment waged within him. He heard her turn to the guest and softly refuse their request to talk to him. 

When his door opened a few moments later, Hinata could feel the irritation crawling back up his throat, “I said no, Mom.”

“Damn” came a soft voice that definitely wasn’t his mother’s. 

Hinata lifted his head from under the covers to see the raven-haired setter standing awkwardly in his room.

“I mean, I knew you were messy,” he continued, not waiting for Hinata’s response, “but this is a bit much, don’t you think?”

To call his room a mess was a bit of an understatement. Okay it was a gross understatement. The floor was barely visible. Water bottles and clothes, dirty and clean alike, littered the floor. There was a slightly clear path from the door to the bed, but other than that the floor didn’t exist. 

He felt his anger diminish as he went to retort, “hey don’t be rude to your host,” 

Kageyama rolled his eyes, and Hinata sat fully up in bed before continuing, “What are you doing here?” 

“I came to check on you,” he stated matter-of-factly, “I’ve seen you on bad days, but nothing like this,” he added softly.

Hinata let out a humorless chuckle, “You haven’t seen my bad days yet, Bakeyama”

Kageyama looked at him incredulously, “What? Yes I have!”

“No,” Hinata laughed again but it was humorless, “This is a bad day for me. Actually it's the tail-end of a bad week. You should be lucky you didn’t see me two days ago,” he added pointedly. But despite the humor he tried to shove into the conversation, his friend just looked concerned. 

“Hinata”

“Look, don’t get too worked up about it,” he could feel his sudden burst of energy fading. But he took the small amount of energy as a good sign, a sign that things were looking up. 

“How could I not?” Kageyama felt betrayed. How could his friend hide something like this from him. He thought they were closer than that. 

Hinata just shrugged, resigning in the fact that his friend knew his secret. After a long pause, “Well, you’re already here, you can watch TV if you want.” Hinata scooted his laptop over to make room for Kageyama on the bed. He hesitated, before moving through the dumpster room to join Hinata on the bed.

“What are we watching?”

“Oh, nothings on.”

“You’ve just been staring at an empty screen?” Kageyama had to fight the urge to laugh awkwardly. 

“Shut up, just pick something,” came the reply, as Hinata resituated himself under the now-shared blankets, laying on his side, his head resting on Kageyama’s shoulder. 

After one and a half Star Wars movies, Kageyama’s curiosity got the better of him, “What is going on, Shouyou?”

He felt Hinata’s body still and then relax, and when looked down at his friend, he could see the battle going on inside his mind. He wanted to reach out and smooth his furrowed eyebrows and tell him he could trust him. When Hinata finally looked up, their eyes met. This was what worried him the most. Hinata’s warm brown eyes, usually filled with so much life and vigor, were now dull and lifeless. As if the soul behind them had left.

Eventually he could see the resignation within the ginger, and prepared himself for the news. 

“I have clinical depression,” he said bluntly. Kageyama nodded, he had suspected something along those lines. “It comes and goes in waves, I guess,” Hinata looked small and fragile, not meeting the setters blue eyes with his soft brown ones, “I don’t really know how to describe it? It usually isn’t this bad though, and I’ve gotten good at hiding it”

Kageyama’s chest ached, Hinata was right, he was good at hiding it. Even his best friend didn’t know. “I figured,” Kageyama filled the tense silence, “You- you know you can talk to me, if you ever need someone to talk to,” he added awkwardly. He wanted his friend to know he was there for him, but he couldn’t hide the hurt he felt for not being trusted enough to be let into this part of Hinata’s life. 

Hinata seemed to pick up on this, “I haven’t told anyone….Except Natsu and my mom”

“Oh”

“Yeah”

Another tense quiet filled the room.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

“No.”

Kageyama wanted to help his friend. He really did, but he had no idea how to go about it. Kageyama almost cried with relief when Hinata started talking.

“I guess, I’ve always been pretty moody? My mom noticed before I did. But then my mood swings kept getting worse. And It felt like- feels like the whole world is against me. Like what’s the point to everything, ya know? Like I’m not really worth anything anyways. I’m just- I don’t know. I’m not worth anything in society, so like what’s the point in making the effort,” As Hinata spoke about his depression, Kageyama’s chest tightened. How could he think so little of himself? Doesn’t he know he’s the sun? He tucked his arms around Hinata as he continued talking, voice getting thicker and thicker. Likewise, the more he spoke, the tighter Kageyama’s hug became. 

“I just feel-” Hinata clapped his hand to his mouth suddenly, and Kageyama looked at him since he first asked. Hinata’s eyes shone, and tears were gathering at the corners. He was about the breakdown. 

Hinata tried to talk about his depression with a clinical approach, but he could feel the balloon of pressure swelling in his chest. The more he spoke, the more it inflated. Finally, he couldn’t take it anymore. The dam was cracking. The balloon in his chest popped and he barely had time to clamp his mouth shut before a sob escaped it. But then a soft, go on, destroyed any sense of control he had left. He let it go. He spilled all his recent fears to Kageyama, about how he’s been letting everyone down, and he doesn’t know how much longer he can take the constant beat-down that happens in his brain. He spills about how disappointed in him Natsu and his mom must be, and how he’s scared of the team finding out and thinking he’s weak. He had never voiced his fears before, he’d always felt a sense of dread in taking his thoughts and releasing them into the world. Now that they were free, he felt a wave of shame wash over him, They’re not even valid. You’re just doing this for attention. 

Kageyama listened, and said nothing. His heart wrenching everytime a sob racked Hinata’s shoulders. He couldn’t believe his ears. Hinata was always so bright. Always smiling, always quick to comfort someone when they were down. Who knew all this time, he was suffering this badly. 

When Hinata had finished, he was sure Kageyama wouldn’t want to be his friend anymore, It’s okay, his mental voice sneered, he was barely your friend in the first place. He found himself hugging Kageyama back, afraid of pushing him further away than he already had. Pathetic. He hated that internal voice. It was constantly there. Always telling him he wasn’t good enough. 

Kageyama shifted, so they weren’t hugging anymore. Hinata was mentally scolding himself for spilling so much, when he found himself on his side, face-to face with intense blue eyes. Kageyama took his hands into face, wiping away any stray tears that leaked from Hinata’s tired, red-rimmed eyes.

“I know you won’t believe me. And I know this won’t fix you. But you are worth so much.” Hinata had started to cry again, silently, just tears trailing down his cheeks, “The world is an infinitely better place with you in it,” Kageyama pushed on, his own voice getting thicker, “I am so sorry that you have been led to believe you're worthless, but I promise you, you are the sun in this dull world,” he wasn’t even sure what he was saying now, it was going straight from his heart and out his mouth.

“You have no idea how much you mean to me, to the team, to your family. No one is disappointed in you. Hinata, you're my sun.” He pulled Hinata into another hug, “I’ll always be here for you. I don’t understand, but I’m here for you. On good days and on bad days.”  
They laid like that, Hinata cradled in Kageyama’s arms, his head against the setter’s chest, Kageyama wrapped protectively around him, shielding him from any harm. Kageyama needed him to feel the love he felt for him. He knew it wasn’t enough, it would never be enough, but he hoped maybe it was enough to weather the storm Hinata was going through for now.

**Author's Note:**

> Uhmmm this is my first fic ever I guess so any feedback is welcome (even if it was trash I wanna know so I can get better) 
> 
> Also I kind of modeled Hinata's depression after my own, so if it's way off from what's to be expected, my bad


End file.
